


One Night and One More Time

by WakeUpDreaming



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Nightmares, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-15
Updated: 2014-08-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 06:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2139774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WakeUpDreaming/pseuds/WakeUpDreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is memories of poverty, desperation, pain, and fear to Steve, and he knows it. He also knows, he KNOWS, that Steve has chosen Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Night and One More Time

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the first version of this on tumblr, and it deleted just as I was about to publish it, which was kind of devastating. I rewrote it and reworked it and it somehow ended up even angstier than the original version, which is impressive.  
> Title and prompt from Fall Out Boy's Thnks fr th Mmrs.

They clash together, and it’s not romantic. It’s desperation and fear, and it’s Bucky knowing this is the last time, an echo of the past that he’s desperately clinging to one more time before he loses Steve again.

Steve’s hands grip at Bucky’s hips for a split second, then fly away. “Bucky, I can’t –”

“Don’t think of him,” says Bucky, “just let me have this one more time.”

Steve pulls away, and catches Bucky by the shoulders, keeping him from surging closer again.

“Bucky,” Steve says firmly, “what’s going on?”

“I won’t keep you long,” says Bucky. “I just need…one more time. You have Sam now, you have a future. I’m poverty and slums and awful memories, I’m nothing you need.” Bucky draws a shaky breath. “But I need this one more time before I leave.”

Steve studies Bucky’s face. “What are you talking about?”

“Damn it, Steve, you’ve never lied to me before.” Bucky tears his gaze from Steve’s. “I’m not mad at you. I know you needed someone new. But I thought this…” Bucky steadies himself, and looks up at Steve. “I thought we could have this one more time.”

Steve’s face flashes from confusion to void to almost amusement. “Bucky,” he says slowly, “I’m not with Sam.”

It takes Bucky a moment or two to recognize the words, because of course Steve’s with Sam. Sam’s been by Steve’s side, even before all of this started. “Of course you are.”

“I’m not,” says Steve, and he takes a half step closer to Bucky. “Where are you getting this?”

“Stark said –”

“Stark says a lot of things,” Steve says firmly, “most of which are crazy, wrong, or both.”

Bucky looks at him. “He was kidding?”

“Tony talks a lot of shit, but I’m not sure he actually knows how to joke,” Steve says with an eye roll. “I don’t think that skill was ever developed. Which is why everything he says is crazy or wrong.”

Bucky lets that sink in. Steve and Sam are not together. Steve is not seeing anyone. Bucky kissing Steve was not wrong, like he thought it was.

“I can practically hear you thinking,” says Steve. “What’s going on in your head?”

“I thought it was wrong to still want you,” says Bucky, “and it wasn’t?”

Steve shakes his head. “Not wrong at all.”

“And you’re not with Sam.”

Steve, again, shakes his head. “Never have been, never will be.”

Bucky sighs. “I think maybe I’m the one who’s crazy.”

“We’ve all been crazy,” Steve replies. “We’ve just had more time to get through it.”

Bucky looks up at him – up, at Steve, it’s still strange to think about – and swallows. “I’ll just go then,” he says quietly, “I’m – I’m sorry.”

He slowly reaches out and catches Bucky’s metal hand in his. “Bucky, what are you doing?”

“You don’t need me anymore,” he says tonelessly. “I don’t want to be a burden on you.”

Steve falls back against the wall, his head making a low clunking noise as it hits. “Bucky,” Steve sighs, “I’ll always need you. Why do you think I found you and brought you back?”

Bucky shrugs. “Mission. Goal.”

“That wasn’t even a sentence, Buck.”

Bucky shrugs again, eyes on the floor.

“Hey,” murmurs Steve, and Steve so gently tilts Bucky’s head up, a finger under Bucky’s chin. “I’ll always need you,” Steve repeats. “I got you back because I want you back.” He laughs. “It’s selfish intention.”

Bucky frowns. “But I’m…I’m not who I used to be.”

“And neither am I,” Steve says quietly. “But any kind of Bucky is better than not having you at all. And I want to know who you are now.”

Bucky steps toward Steve, tentative and slow, and looks at him. “I don’t have to leave,” he says, and he can’t tell if he’s asking or telling.

Steve rests his forehead against Bucky’s. “You never have to leave. But if you want to,” Steve’s voice breaks, “if you need to, for you, I understand.”

Then, like Bucky’s not in control of himself, but in a good way, in a way that seems right, he reaches up and rests a hand against the back of Steve’s neck. “I’d like to stay,” he says quietly, and when Steve tilts to catch Bucky’s lips, he steps even closer. “I want to stay with you,” he says against Steve’s lips.

Steve nods, and kisses Bucky further, gentle and not begging anything more. Just the press of lips. An interlude.

Steve pulls away, and Bucky looks up at him. “What?” Bucky asks.

“I just can’t believe you’re back,” Steve says, and if Bucky were a foot further away, he doesn’t think he would have heard Steve. “Can I tell you something?”

Bucky nods.

“I can’t sleep,” Steve says, like a confession, “not without pills they give me that work only for a little while, not without running myself ragged. I see you falling when I close my eyes. I see you being taken from me again.”

“I don’t sleep either,” says Bucky. “The best I ever slept was next to you.”

Steve looks at Bucky like Bucky’s just spoken salvation. “Me too.”

It’s a wordless agreement as they curl around each other in bed that night, and the night after that, and for nights that follow for the foreseeable future. But that night it’s simple. Steve and Bucky cuddle like puppies, wrapped around each other with hands fisted in shirts and waking each other up with nightmares and gasping sobs.

But each time Bucky wakes from dreams of killing Steve, of losing Steve, of losing himself, he locks eyes with Steve, who is running fingertips through his hair or murmuring his name. The one he fears losing is speaking his name again, and Bucky sleeps for three straight hours that night.


End file.
